NOW

Now I’m here. But I don’t know up to what point. I’m trying to figure out what’s behind the horizon ahead of me that I keep staring at the ever-changing clouds just like the many scenes from the back of my mind. Where am I going…? What am I to do…? There are places I’m trying to remember --- places where I used to enjoy myself before but now are like the fading shadows that I can’t even totally recall --- some places that I once thought my final dwelling to enjoy life. There are words that are trying to resound from the pasts --- laughter, friendship, love. They make me smile. They are even trying to pull out the tears that keep on holding behind my eyes. There were many people that I’ve met and shared the life with. In different ways, they made my life glow like the reflection of the morning sunshine on the clearest ocean. I knew them very well --- I laughed with them, cried with them, sang with them, joked with them and shared many inspiring words with them. But those were then. Despite all my efforts to preserve those robust memories that once valued and treasured, they simply split-out from my imagination as an ember that was once playing on a wood charcoal. But in spite of, I miss them. Words are not trustful, I may think. We can utter our sweetest of them and make ourselves believe in their own promises conceived by our own thoughts, and sometimes be convinced that that’s for eternity… but only for the meantime. Words, like butterflies, have wings too. If we can only hear one butterfly speaks, it may be saying “I love you” to a fine flower and indulge itself to its scent and the taste of its nectar. We can somewhat even read what’s in its thought --- like what we have when we mumble such words that enliven our beings --- but not until that tiny creature eyes another flower and revives the same feelings and words it once whispered to its first inspiration --- that then it may realize that everything changes even the self-contentment --- according to what the eyes see… according to the body touches… according to a somebody you convey your ideas to… AT THE PRESENT TIME. So, what really matters most in our life is WHAT IS NOW. Like the butterfly, it may appear that the flower that touched its life for sometime didn’t exist to it at all --- despite the words it uttered --- words, feelings and emotions all together it once believed the eternal wonders to its earthly existence. Just like us ! I remember my playground. I remember my childhood. I remember my fondest experiences. But why is it so hard to predicate such memories to bring back to life the same old emotions ? Instead, it’s a painstaking effort to look back to those old paths which created a myriad avenues in our respective lives. Oblivion is imperative somehow. No matter how hard we deny it, no matter how hard we attach ourselves to such memories that once made our spirits soar, what matters still is what we have now… what we do now… what we are experiencing right now. The most likely that we can do is to infer those movies in our minds as merely parts of our journey--- for life is undeniably commutative like the clouds in the sky… or we will be putting ourselves to an intricate state. Today, I may say that I love my present place… that somebody’s the best for me… that I enjoy what I do now… or laugh with my present companions to the fullest. But tomorrow, they may be gone. Slowly fade-away and form another structures of my pasts. Now is now. I am along the seashore glimpsing at the clouds and witnessing their changing forms like magic but I don’t know if it’s an agony or a glorious reformation for that huge floating cottons. I’m with my best friend, Keno, at this very moment. He is my most trusted. He always has a way to make me happy when I’m sad. He is happy when I’m happy. He is also sad when I am sad. I can tell him everything without any hesitation knowing that he can always keep a secret between the two of us. A sort of, he is my confidant. I appreciate his strict protection over me to defend me from my enemies. I like the way he barks. I like the way he wiggles his tail when he needs to convey something to bring to my knowing. I admire his magnificence when he catches a piece of wood after I threw it from afar. I am happy with him. NOW. But just like the same old stories, I can never buy the idea that this heart-warming experience is for the rest of my life. He may die sooner or I may lay down my body beneath the earth earlier than him. Who knows ? I may be afar from him, soon or late, keeping the belief in my pocket that he won’t forget me anyhow. But I don’t have the control over his feelings and emotions --- they are like clouds too. Neither him. He will not know if I can still remember even his name after our assumed final separation. Someday, I know, he may just be a fragment of my memories. What’s behind the horizon? Well, I never know ! But to live in the memories of the past is to toil on the journey bleak and vague. The bliss is everywhere. We don’t even need to try a multitude of escapades to find it. It’s very near from us. Actually, in us. In our hearts. Yesterday is gone. But now is not forever. Maybe someday, to another place and time of our journey, we can blend back our blissful memories to share the life again with the people who once touched our hearts. No angst of separation. No worry of oblivion. There, NOW is forever.